1st Star of the Week: Oklahoma lawmakers want Animal Control to remove “furries” from schools
A couple of years ago, a story started making the rounds in the absolute dumbest corners of the right-wing internet echosphere: empowered by leftist teachers, “furries” are taking over public schools, pooping in litterboxes, and making life hell for the normal students who just want to learn, dammit. It will come as no surprise to anyone with a brain that this story was completely made-up, and it will come as even less of a surprise that it was shared far and wide by Joe Rogan, Tulsi Gabbard, Libs of TikTok, and a host of other reactionary freaks. It was a story so fucking dumb that Joe Rogan actually felt the need to backtrack on it. Joe Rogan!
The story was entirely debunked all the way back in 2022, but that hasn’t stopped far-right agitators from continuing to shout it from the rooftops as part of their ongoing culture war against…students? Teachers? Furries? I’m honestly not sure anymore. Anyway, this week an Oklahoma state representative decided to take things one stop further, introducing a bill that would “prohibit students who purport to be an imaginary animal or species from participating in school curriculum and activities.”
The bill would also prohibit students who engage in anthropomorphic behavior, also known as "furries", from class.
If a parent cannot pick up a student found in violation, the bill states, then animal control services will be contacted to remove the student.
Look, I get it. This is what politics in America is now: a never-ending series dumb stunts designed to rile up the other side and score cheap points with the base. We’re going to meme ourselves into a civil war and we’re absolutely going to deserve it. So rest assured, I’m not here to tut-tut this idiot this idiot from my ivory tower. On the contrary, I’m here to support him. Because if I’m an Oklahoma lawyer, I am positively SALIVATING at the prospect of suing the state when some poor theater kid who just wanted to wear cat ears to class gets chucked in the back of a truck with a rabid squirrel. I mean, what’s the downside here? Worst case, you get to hang out at the pound and pet a bunch of dogs until mom gets out of work. Best case, you get bit by a diseased animal and sue the state for a billion dollars.
You may think I’m making light of a serious problem, and guess what? You’re right. But if you still think you can beat these idiots by being a scold or pointing out their hypocrisy, I assure you: you are even dumber than they are. The only way to win is by demonstrating your willingness to be more absurd, more unreasonable, and more willing to leverage the power of the state in the dumbest way possible. When it comes to sheer stupidity, I’m an accelerationist, baby.
By the way, in case you were wondering, when NBC actually researched the whole “kitty litter in classrooms” claim, the only example they found was a Colorado school that kept kitty litter on hand in case they needed to soak up blood in the event of a school shooting. So that’s dark. But it also reveals something funny: if you really do want kitty litter out of schools, gun control is the only way to do it.
2nd Star of the Week: CPR dummies can piss blood now, and that’s just great
You could argue that this story is not, in fact, dumb, because having a medical dummy that can exhibit specific symptoms and authentically respond to treatment has clear and obvious benefits. But my counterpoint is this: it’s a dummy that can piss blood! Yes, last week was CES, the annual gathering of tech dorks and marketing freaks that regularly features attention-grabbing but wholly impractical products like toilet paper robots, vacuum shoes, and air conditioned hardhats. So while it doesn’t exactly come as a shock that the “CPR dummy of the future” made its debut there, that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous.
Adam-X is equipped with a realistic skeleton, muscles and lungs that’ll behave much like the real things do. Depending on the scenario, the dummy will give you physical feedback depending on how successful you are at treating it. For instance, the pupils will dilate, cheeks will flush, the tongue will swell and the extremities will turn blue, depending on what you’re doing at the time. Right now, Adam is even able to make some vague noises but his makers pledge that an update at some point this year will add in a GPT-enabled communication feature to train medics how to keep patients engaged and calm.
I gotta be honest: it kinda sounds like they were making a sex doll and just got really carried away. And by the way, that’s not a criticism — if anything, I applaud the ability to pivot. After all, vibrators were used as medical devices long before they became sex toys. Why not go the other way this time? It’s probably the right decision in the long run:
Unfortunately, unless you're a medical school or other training facility with $70,000 grand or so lying around, you probably won't be able to buy one. But you should watch the video and see how very cool it is to practice keeping someone alive while getting a little more feedback than with the regular CPR doll.
$70,000! A high-end sex doll goes for, what, five grand? Ten? Add a few blood vessels and the ability to make “vague noises” and you’ve got yourself a certified medical device, baby! As upsetting as it is to read headlines about dummies pissing blood, I applaud these guys for their ingenuity. Also, the people over at RealDoll have got to absolutely fucking furious that they didn’t think of this first. What are you even doing, guys?
3rd Star of the Week: An Ohio pastor got arrested for (checks notes) giving people shelter from the cold
This is tough, because it’s hard to joke about something so fucked up. But what is even going on here? Police in Ohio arrested a church pastor because he kept his church open 24/7 to ensure that unhoused people would have a place to take shelter from the cold. That seems like a pretty admirable thing to do — especially at a time when Ohio’s homeless population is skyrocketing and nobody seems all that interested in doing anything about it. Given that homeless shelters (including those in Ohio) suffer from chronic overcrowding, safety concerns, and draconian rules, it’s easy to see why taking refuge in a church might be an attractive option.
But wouldn’t you know it!
Ohio law prohibits residential use in first-floor buildings in a business district. Since the church is zoned as a Central Business, the building is restricted from allowing people to eat or sleep on the property.
According to the city, Avell was sent a letter on Nov. 3 informing him the homeless were prohibited from sleeping at the church overnight. Avell ignored the letter, and during a New Year’s Eve service, police arrived and issued violations.
Oh, well, I take it back. I didn’t realize zoning restrictions were involved. In that case, the only sensible course of action is to kick these people out and let them freeze to death on the street.
Look, I’m not the most religious person. But my antipathy toward religion is broadly rooted in the failure of churches and other institutions to live up to the high-minded, charitable principles they espouse. That’s not the case here. This is a guy who has embraced those principles wholeheartedly. Who has opened his arms to feed and shelter the homeless at his own expense. It’s hard to think of a way this guy could better embody those famous “Christian values.”
Unfortunately, he did it by helping poor people, so we gotta shut that shit down. Again, I don’t really have a joke here. This country’s obsession with crime is nothing new, but while I think the hysteria over things like “retail crime” is outrageously overblown, you can at least argue that there is a material harm involved in theft. But now we’re having people arrested for violating zoning laws? Our obsession with “law and order” has come so far that we now prioritize zoning laws over people’s lives?
“Many of these people have been rejected by their families and cast aside by their communities. So, if the church isn’t willing to lay down its life for them, then who will? This is what we’re called to do,” Avell said in a Fox News interview.
You said it, man.
The lack of compassion on display here is heartbreaking, but I suppose the cruelty is the point. Still, if the people of Ohio have this little humanity, maybe it’s time someone called animal control.